I Feel Like a Big, Uncomfortable Salad

On turning 48 this year.

The title of this post came to me when my friend

Katie Dalebout

texted me while I was listening to

Joanna Goddard

’s Substack

Big Salad

(did you know you can listen to these posts via an AI reader on the app?).

Katie (who also writes here via

LET IT OUT LISTS

) asked how I was doing and in that very moment, I felt all jumbled up. There was so much happening that was not good — very traumatic, very dramatic — but ultimately, I knew it was important for my growth as a human. So I also felt hopeful.

I responded, because Big Salad was being narrated in my ears:

Today I begin living my 48th year. Yes, it’s my birthday! And announcing that number publicly would have been next to impossible for me, just a year ago. I grew up with an opera singer mother who was so convinced age-ism would impact her casting, that I never knew how old she really was until she retired. I learned to fear aging publicly. Turns out she wasn’t wrong: I’ve definitely found myself with a lot less work and a lot less attention the older I get.

Lately, through this Substack, I’ve been feeling different. I guess I don’t care anymore. Even if my mother was right about age-ism, my attitude is shifting. I mean, if anyone wants to really do their research and look me up, see I’m going through hormonal shifts, and not work with me or invite me to something, then WHAT-EVER.

I made this video of myself reading from my journal from 1989 in honor of my perimenopausal 48-year-old self.

The last 2 years haven’t been great. Those of you who know me personally can hear my voice dripping with sarcasm. It’s a rather gentle word for what the last 2 years were. Some major systems in my life are shifting in ways that are uncomfortable, and remind me of “Growing Pains” (not the TV show).

In the next 2 years, by the time I turn 50, I want to actually enjoy this discomfort as it continues to settle. Like when I went from hating kale to loving kale. I know I will get there.

I’m grateful to this space. It has been my one place in the last 2 years where I have felt like myself. To everyone who welcomes me into their inbox each week, thank you for reading and subscribing. It’s because of you that I keep at this as regularly as I do.

🥬🥗💚

Abe got another roll from his film camera developed and this is the latest batch. Today I want to share them with you (I vlogged about his cameras too).

Closed eyes pics are what I love/hate about film. I actually love this one.

My dear friend Melanie eloped!

Here come all the Miles photos. Most of these were taken on Larchmont, during their Family Fair back in the fall, and then more recently when he freaked out from the fake snow.

Miles also hated the bang snaps kids were throwing on the ground.

I rented this jumpsuit from Nuuly

Okay now we’re kicking it back to short-sleeve weather. This is actually Abe’s shirt from his favorite menswear shop Corridor.

This one goes all the way back to Smorgasburg Pizza Day! I didn’t eat anything, but Abe had a piece from Quarantine Pizza Co that he loved.

Vintage Mickey Mouse sweatshirt I cut, Gap Trousers

And finally, the photographer himself!

Abe’s feature documentary debut — BROTHER ORANGE — comes out on January 21, 2025. To say it’s been a labor of love is the understatement of the decade, which is how long he’s been working on it.

My talented husband produced, directed, filmed, and edited this ENTIRE MOVIE and there are no words to describe how proud and in awe of him I am.

You can read more about the doc (with BuzzFeed Studios) over on BuzzFeed itself — or Variety or Collider. And if you’re a journalist who would like to see an advanced copy for your publication, let me or Abe know! We want the world to see this!

You can pre-order Brother Orange on Apple TV for now, which you may or may not know, helps the filmmaker aka Abe (aka also me) immensely. Honestly, that would be the best birthday gift to me, even better than upgrading your subscription to a paid one.¹

P.S. Put this stop motion felt yule log on and play the Gen x Taste mix I made -here it is on Apple Music and Spotify. Happy Holidays to you!

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1. But if you wanted to do that, there is still a sale going on for annual subscriptions!