She's Not Having a Baby

CW: Pregnancy, Miscarriage, Infertility. Please protect your heart if you do not want to read about this subject.

Gen x Taste is a lifestyle blog and newsletter for those who still don’t know what they want to be when they grow up (even if they’re over the age of 40).

Image from She’s Having a Baby, Dir. John Hughes. DP: Donald Peterman.

Jake: In the end, I realized that I took more than I gave, I was trusted more than I trusted, and I was loved more than I loved. And what I was looking for was not to be found but to be made.

She’s Having a Baby, 1988

I can’t believe I’m writing about this subject again.

I can’t believe this because for years I was super public about my infertility, to the point where it became part of my identity to embrace my child-free decision. I’d done an interview for the Huffington Post, a viral video for BuzzFeed, shared my full journey in podcasts and blog posts. I even wrote an entire TV pilot about it that I’ve been trying to sell!

I thought I was done talking about not being able to get pregnant.

And then, one Friday in February…

It’s the first time I’d ever seen a positive pregnancy test. So I took another one to make sure.

The result was strong and immediate. And my reaction was nothing like I’d envisioned in my early 30’s, when Abe and I were actively trying. Instead of celebrating, I was on the floor, crying.

The day had already started poorly — I had received some very awful/shocking news that morning before getting a root canal — and I wasn’t prepared to accept that life could be this dramatic. I was in shock. I was re-opening my buried feelings about longing to become a parent, after spending over a decade accepting that this would never be my reality. And the reality was my gynecologist on the phone, telling me that this was a high risk pregnancy with statistics that did not sound promising.

None of this felt good. And yet I was hopeful.

I was scared, but I also felt a strong sense of purpose. I calmly, quickly restructured my life, canceling appointments that would jeopardize my condition. I immediately stopped drinking Diet Coke and slathering retinol on my face — two things I loved doing! The change was effortless. I began thinking about what I could do to make more money, how I would qualify for health insurance as a non-working, pregnant actress. But I wasn’t worried. I could still be a mom. This could still be possible.

I know that a lot of people don’t tell others until they’re past their first trimester, but I knew this might be my only chance at pregnancy. I told family and close friends, ones who would understand my anxious behavior since a miscarriage was likely.

For almost one week I enjoyed the possibility of it all.

On Sunday I bought a huge bag of oranges from the farmers market and ate one daily. I didn't even get halfway through the bag before the bleeding began, the following Saturday night.

I went from google searching “pregnancy + ______” to “miscarriage + _____” and it all felt more important than anything else I had searched for before. I was typing so often I started to get “cell phone elbow.”

photo from “Miss Piggy’s Guide to Life”

The miscarriage was a lot mentally, and physically. It was already painful, but combined with the hormones, it feel like my body and my heart were falling apart simultaneously.

I’m in awe of what women go through during their journey to motherhood. It was beyond exhilarating, researching it all for one week. But I won’t be getting pregnant again. For one thing, I can’t handle the risks at my age, both physically and emotionally. I will be re-embracing my child-free life and future.

What I had felt for those almost 7 days — making something other than myself the most important thing ever — and the thoughts that came with that…

“I don’t know what is going to happen and I’m so scared, but I can and I will figure this out.”

I want to hold onto that, as I keep moving forward. Despite the fact that I’m still struggling emotionally, I’m still searching for hope.

I’m writing about this because I cannot make sense of why this happened and I’m so tired of trying. I’m hoping this may help others, just like sharing my infertility journey did for so many, years ago. And because every single resource I turned to (my OB/GYN included) was not helpful in the moment of my miscarriage. I didn’t want to hear “I’m sorry.” I didn’t want to read about the horrible trauma other women faced going to the doctor, or the statistics about pregnancy success following a loss. I didn’t want to hear about adoption or surrogacy. I had been down that path already and closed the door on it.

I certainly didn’t want to hear about our country’s issues with safe abortion and how screwed up things are. Or how in Florida, a woman as pregnant as I was can’t even be given that option anymore.

I wanted something simple and practical to get me through those two weeks when I was bleeding and crying constantly, and I didn’t know what to do. Something to help me through the months that followed, when my heart still felt so dry and empty. A quick guide I could turn to when people asked, “How can I help? How are you doing?” and I just tried not to cry.

So I wrote one.

1. Get pads. Be specific: Heavy Flow, Unscented, Organic, Wings? Abe came back from the drugstore with $40 worth of Poise Pads. That actually gave me a much-needed laugh.

2. Get nice tampons (or a Diva Cup, if you prefer). For when your period comes back. I was sad when it did, but I appreciated that I didn’t have to look at the blood for days.

3. Don’t be afraid to throw out the things that remind you of being pregnant. For me, it was those farmers market oranges.

4. Don’t be afraid to keep the things that remind you of being pregnant. For me, it was all the pregnancy-safe skincare and prenatal gummies I had bought.

5. Let go of your past with pregnancy. Like all the failed attempts, being vocal about not wanting kids, or getting an abortion — or lying about getting one (which I did with my high school boyfriend, when he broke up with me). Now is not the time to dwell, find fault or blame/shame yourself.

6. Talk to your safe friends. So many people have experienced miscarriages. They all know exactly how gut-wrenching it feels and will listen. And if you don’t feel okay using the “M” word, just tell your friends you’re going through a rough time. Some of mine sent food, some sent flowers, no questions asked. And wow, that was amazing.

7. Know that movies will be triggering because pretty much every single one has children in them. Accept that. Maybe don’t watch stuff like She’s Having a Baby, Baby Boom, Father of the Bride 2, Parenthood, etc. even though they’re comedies.

8. Know that being out in public might be challenging. I broke down unexpectedly in the middle of a Tove Lo concert. I don’t know why watching gay men dance set off a grief response to not being pregnant, but it absolutely did.

9. Use a really soft towel as tissues. Your eyes are going to hurt so much and you’ll waste less paper.

10. When the skin around your eyes dry up in the outer corners, use Cerave Healing Ointment. I don’t think I need to remind you I’m not a doctor, but that worked for me — just a dab every few hours.

11. Get some high quality zit patches. Those hormones are going to produce some painful, unwelcome guests on your face. Use the ZitSticka Killa Kit when you feel them forming and the CosRx Master Patch when they come to a head. Then, Starface Hydro Pimple Patches when they begin to heal and you want to look cute.

12. Enjoy some foods you couldn’t eat while you were pregnant. Ahi Tuna Sushi. Deli Meat. Unpasteurized cheese. Sushi stuffed with deli meat and unpasteurized cheese. With fancy Diet Coke (in a glass bottle).

13. Wear stuff that is comfortable but also makes you feel sexy. I know I’ve already sung the praises of Neiwai. They also make great high waist leggings that give you just a bit of compression. I didn’t want to be reminded of my tummy, but maybe you do.

14. Start a blog about fashion, skincare, and makeup. It will help you be creative on a regular basis without everything feeling so heavy.

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