Rejection and Jealousy
I have had a lot of practice.
Last week I was watching Severance and — this is not a spoiler — the episode centered around the backstory of “Ms. Casey,” played by Dichen Lachman. I found myself immersed, totally taken with her performance, the way I usually enjoy this show. It’s one of my favorites.
Afterwards, I had a moment and realized, “Wow. I’m not the least bit jealous of the actress who played her.” And that felt AMAZING.
How did I get here?
I read for the role of “Ms. Casey” in 2020, back when it was titled Tumwater. This was one of the last times I went in-person for an audition — it was actually Valentine’s Day, so pre-pandemic.1 I did not come anywhere close to landing the part; I didn’t get a callback and I remember the casting director trying to work with me several times in the room to find the correct “tone.” Having seen the show, I now see I was pretty tone deaf and nowhere near it.
Maybe that’s why watching it didn’t bother me, because it was never even close to being mine.
There are parts in other projects that I have come close to, that I haven’t seen or that I avoid talking about, because it still feels painful. Parts that were juicy, parts that would’ve changed my bank account, parts that would’ve changed the trajectory of my life and my career.
Maybe.
I’ve been getting paid to act since I was 5-years-old. I got my SAG/AFTRA card when I was 9, in 1985. I consider myself a professional actor, even though there are many years that go by unemployed and uninsured. When I first got out of college and no longer had my parents to staple my headshot to my resume or drive me to auditions in the city, I began logging all my auditions: casting directors, what I wore, how I felt, what my average booking/callback rate was.