"Fake" Foods (and Drinks)

Get ready for a lot of "quotes."

CW: eating disorders and dieting.

*Denotes gifted by PR. Please note: I do use affiliate links and may earn a commission when you purchase something at no additional cost to you.

I’m a child of the Snackwell’s era, and while everyone else writes about this as a dark time in food history, I actually kinda liked them. Or maybe I was just desperate for something made of chocolate in my childhood pantry.

A fat-free Devil’s Food “cookie cake” after a meal of over-nuked Bagel Bites represented so much to me as the child of immigrant parents in the 80’s/90’s: Consumerism. Targeted advertising. The freedom of making my own meals in the “Ding Dong”¹ (what my family called the microwave). Opening each package and reading the box’s description, I felt like a “real” American — a daily ritual I believed everyone in the country was also participating in.

All those homemade pastries, and I went straight for the Entenmann’s.

In the 2010’s, when I had a food blog, I was often embarrassed that I still enjoyed “diet foods.” After all, I was an Ambassador for NEDA and it felt wrong to admit I’d rather eat a huge cup of Tasti D as dinner² rather than full fat/real sugar ice cream for dessert. That didn’t feel like something someone recovering from an eating disorder should state publicly.

A typical food blogging meal.

So I opened and scoured Hungry Girl’s newsletters in a secret browser. I didn’t want to admit that I craved foods with long, unpronounceable ingredient lists to make them lower in calories and fat. Or dishes made with non-traditional ingredients that nobody would ever think to put together (like the “hummus waffle” I’m still convinced I invented).

Now that I have had celiac for almost a decade, my daily diet consists of only “whole foods.” I don’t really snack or have dessert, I rarely eat out/order in, and I drink mostly water — plain or with lemon. That doesn’t mean I don’t occasionally consume things like “noodles” made out of Konjac or “fake ice cream” (I love my Ninja Creami).

PB Protein Powder, Cashew Milk, Sugar-Free Chocolate Pudding

I don’t actually think of these foods as “fake,” but I know many would argue they’re “not real” versions of what they’re "supposed” to emulate.

I’m also aware of the rise and relapse of eating disorders in perimenopausal women, so I questioned whether I wanted to even write about this. But I’m almost 50, and I don’t want to act like I have all of this food/body image stuff figured out, either. I know I never will. While I’m not proud that I bring my own Diet Coke to Erewhon, I’m not ashamed of it anymore, either.

So I decided to put together a list of all the “fake,” “alternative,” and “diet” things currently in my pantry that I like and occasionally eat/drink. And I don’t know what it says about my tastes or where I’m at with my diet, or my “food philosophy.” Actually, I don’t care anymore. I like all of them, and they don’t conjure up any negative thoughts or feelings for me. A huge win after decades of obsession.

BTW — just because they’re listed here doesn’t mean they’re not made of “real” ingredients or are considered “bad” for you, it just means they deviate from what is perceived as “the norm.”

And of course, everything is gluten-free!

The moment I knew I was in love with Abe was in Spring of 1997. when he brought a bag of sour gummy worms and Blue Powerade to share during a movie screening. I felt so seen. Now I’m sneaking sugar-free gummies* (I still prefer the sour versions) and gluten-free pretzels into the theater, whilst drinking stevia-sweetened electrolytes.

Nut butter is one of those things that I used to binge on back in the day, and so I still have a lot of negativity associated with it. I’ve tried the powdered version, but it was always disappointing. OWN’s Wonderspread is reduced-calorie peanut butter that actually tastes good. It’s got the slightest after-taste from the stevia/monkfruit if you eat it on its own, and gets messy — you MUST keep it room temp or it won’t spread. But I drizzle it on top of Pancha buckwheat sourdough toast and feel very satisfied.

I’m sober, so I usually bringing things I don’t drink to dinner parties. Enter Oddbird* — a Swedish brand that makes non-alcoholic wines I’m excited to present to the host. Plus, I can actually sip alongside everyone else, even if I can’t eat what’s been cooked.

I literally gasped when I saw this. I do love Magic Spoon, but can’t justify its expense when I consume it daily. These Strawberry Protein Cheerios come in at about $4-5 (they also have Cinnamon and Cookies and Cream — also GF!). I combine them with my favorite puffed cereal and some cashew milk.

I’ve had this bottle of algae cooking oil* for a while now, as I don’t use a ton of oil, and it’s been great. It has a high smoke point and a mild buttery flavor. Goes well in cooked/uncooked dishes.

And finally, as I type I am scarfing down this bag of pizza-flavored popped protein chips. They taste like Combos meets Pop Chips and my hands/shirt are now covered in orange dust, a very happy memory.

1. Another sidebar, Ding Dongs were my favorite Hostess snack.

2. I liked this article about the FroYo comeback in NYC.