After The Penguin Shirt Saga (part one and part two) I’ve received a number of messages from readers describing the ugly item of clothing their partner has, and asking for advice.
Last April 6th was my 20th wedding anniversary (this Saturday is our 21st, making it 27 years together total) so now that we are nearing almost 3 decades together, I feel comfortable sharing the secret that makes our relationship so solid.
It all comes down to this saying. I can’t remember who made it up — I’ve a feeling it was Abe because he does have a way with words/rhymes. Both of us grew up in the East Coast, but this pearl of wisdom works best when you say it with a Southern accent:
Ain’t Criticizin’, Just Recognizin’.
Basically, this is what we say to one another when we want to bring up something the other person does that is… questionable?
Like why would you leave only one potato chip, or pistachio nut, or cherry tomato — when you could finish the last one?
Or, why would you constantly pronounce the word “badminton” with the “n,” despite being corrected once every few months? (This video is from seven years ago.)
Ain’t Criticizin’, Just Recognizin’ works so well because it prepares the other person for a critique that isn’t a criticism. It’s actually a recognition!
Yes, ACJR works very well for casual issues like clothing and food. But I find that it also helps prevent the conversation from morphing into a super heated debate. I’ve learned that often times, arguments are very rarely about the annoying thing you’re arguing over (the grocery shopping, the cleaning schedule, etc.) — they’re often about how you’re speaking and listening to one another. For me, whenever I hear Abe say ACJR, I’ll think: Be open, be calm, and hear what he has to say.
I hope sharing our little phrase helps you in your own relationships, when there’s something irking you that you need to get off your chest, but don’t know where to start. Just remember…
P.S. Just realized today is my one-year anniversary on
! Here is my very first post. Thanks so much to everyone who has been reading the last 365 days, I so appreciate you taking the time every week to welcome me into your inboxes.